senior year (so far)
good lord, has this year been all-consuming
i'm only seventeen, but i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. blegh!
this is just gonna be a for-the-public diary post, so if you hate feelings and don't want to hear about mine, click off. trust me.
i am currenlty sitting in my room, candles lit at 7:32 PM with a very sad jazz album playing in the background. it really sets the mood, but i just think i have a penchant for being dramatic. who doesn't, though?
anyways, senior year has been a mental wreck. all of the sudden, there's no longer the "you have time to figure it all out," parroted at me, but rather the "you are here right now and you have 5 million deadlines so you need to start working on everything now on top of school, clubs, and your own life. we won't help you that much, so have fun!"
last year, i thought i had it all figured out, but now that i'm at the stage why i actually have to make the decision, i'm shaking in my boots just a little bit. my career aspirations have changed from criminal lawyer --> accountant --> politician --> archivist --> librarian --> historian --> chemist --> patent lawyer --> english professor --> literary lawyer in about the span of five years, which is an incredibly diverse range of careers to choose from. why do i have to make this decision now? i have so much more to learn, so much more growth to be had, and so much more to experience.
why do i have to settle for one career for the rest of my life when i have to do that job for 50 years? why has that much power and autonomy been put into my hands when i am still so naive? who decided that this way of living was a good idea? (i want to have some words with them! ! !) why can't i experiment and try new things without being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt? (the answer= capitalism)
it's times like these where i wish i was born wealthy. then i could fuck around all day, spending my parents money, trying to find out who i am. i guess my struggles are not for nothing, though, because i would definitely be a very different person if i was an entitled brat who could drop as much money as she wanted.
this year has nto at all panned out the way i thought it would. i thought i'd make more friends, have fun in all my classes, and be able to truly feel like i was experiencing my senior year to its fullest extent. instead, i am slowly losing one of my best friends, i have a broken car, and i am currently stranded in my own house, left only with my thoughts and some expired food. yum.
maybe i am being too pessimistic about the year when it has barely begun (i am approaching a month since my school began), but i can't help but feel hopeless when so much has already gone awry. i know shit happens, but so much shit is happening all at once.