(may 27th, 2025)
soundtrack to writing this is dead silence because i was in a horrendous mood
huzzah! i write this at 4:53 on a monday morning, having woken up at 3 pm the day prior. i’ce had this violent, overwhelming urge to write these past few days, so this will be an outlet for the sort of smorgasbord of thoughts i’ve been having. firstly, verona and i have now graduated! myself magna cum laude, all due to one fatal B, and verona at the top of our class as one of the smartest people i have ever and likely will ever know.
i’m personally struggling with feeling “finished” with anything. maybe it’s due to the wealth of change happening in my life currently. between graduating, moving 2 days ago, an incredibly fresh breakup, and the looming anxiety of college, i feel so much that it’s hard to focus on any one feeling. my reprieve recently has been my friends, playing d&d and general lollygagging with them, as well as a healthy helping of semi-intellectual conversations. i’ve felt this sort of crushing loneliness recently for a reason i can’t seem to place, but each moment i’ve had with my friends in the past few weeks has lifted some weight off of me. some highlights are d&d with the gang, seeing sinners with verona, and midnight milkshakes and burgers with my best friend of ten years and a couple of our theatre friends. i find it hard to explain how much these made me feel like a person again, so i hope they understand through my abrasive i-love-yous how much these moments meant to me.
something that really felt like waking up out of a bit of a depressive fog i’ve been having lately was talking to my friend today while i painted my room and we watched dimension twenty’s “a crown of candy”. they have been one of my best friends since freshman year, and a very unique friend to me in a lot of ways. i was really struck by how easily our conversation flowed when i was able to just stop being angry and sad and absent at the same time, talking about our hometown and the advent of color tv. maybe it was all the paint fumes i have been huffing in this poorly ventilated room, but despite the consistent funk i’ve been in, today is already shaping out to be one of the better days i’ve had in a while.
another thing that’s been on my mind lately, without much context, is the validity of the art i create. i’ve been reading much more published work than i have since probably 6th grade, and i’ve got to thinking about a lot of the art i’ve created myself. i’ve been actively writing since i was probably around 6 or 7, personal writing like this blog, essays, poetry and short fiction, but i wouldn’t consider myself a writer necessarily. i don’t know why not, especially since i would consider myself a pretty proficient writer and story teller for somebody of my age and education level. there’s just some block from positioning myself as anything more than amateur in anything i do. skills i’ve been honing for years, like writing, drawing, or guitar, all feel like minor hobbies i have. calling myself musician or an artist feels like a lie when i say it, despite the fact that i’m in a band and have sold and continue to sell my art for actual american dollars. unsure if i’ll ever get over this hump of impostor syndrome, but i sincerely hope i do, as i worry i’m underselling myself.
something that really felt like waking up out of a bit of a depressive fog i’ve been having lately was talking to my friend today while i painted my room and we watched dimension twenty’s “a crown of candy”. they have been one of my best friends since freshman year, and a very unique friend to me in a lot of ways. i was really struck by how easily our conversation flowed when i was able to just stop being angry and sad and absent at the same time, talking about our hometown and the advent of color tv. maybe it was all the paint fumes i have been huffing in this poorly ventilated room, but despite the consistent funk i’ve been in, today is already shaping out to be one of the better days i’ve had in a while.i don’t know exactly where this word vomit is going, but i want to shout out verona and the lights that keep flickering in my new room, verona for keeping me sane and the lights for keeping me just on the edge of that fragile sanity. i think i do my best creative work when i feel on the edge of a minor breakdown.
i don’t feel that i have anywhere else to go with this, so ciao for now!
-webster