journal 1
(august 18, 2024)
i was listening to "day/night cycle" by louie zong and sophia morrow as well as rebecca sugar's ep "spiral bound" while i wrote this if you want to get into my SICK AND TWISTED MIND
i struggle with being outwardly introspective, in a lot of ways. i don’t think my thoughts ever really turn off except for when i am literally undergoing dissociation and i’m usually thinking about 15 things at once and none of them are that good usually. i don’t know if anyone will read this besides verona (hi verona love you buddy) and jams (hi jams love you buddy) but idk i’m going to try to properly think out loud on this blog from time to time and it’s 1 am right now which is as good a time as any to start.
blogging and youtube videos are hopefully going to be helpful in learning how to see myself as me, i hope, which might be an odd thing to say? idk? the only times i feel like i speak my direct mind is when i’m thinking too much about things i don’t like, and if you know me you know that sometimes i’m just like what if i got hit by a big bus and DIED and then we move on. or at worst times i’m like what if i’m literally evil! which i feel so cringe for feeling so obnoxious about this because i’m 17 and apparently everyone feels like a horrible person when they’re 17.
i’m trying to write this in a stream of consciousness vibe which means that i am going to leap wildly from thought to thought with no cohesion but also this means i am going to start things and not finish them. what’s interesting to think about this is that who the hell is going to read this? this is essentially a public journal but like who picks this up and decides to read this?
on that thought do i also become more recognizable to myself writing insane stuff? i struggle with writing creative fiction because i know that it’ll never be perfect, and i’ve never been able to keep a journal for more than two days or so because i feel so awfully embarrassed at the idea that i’m talking to myself about what i think even though i do it in my own brain all the time. i don’t know why writing it down amplifies the guilt i feel for thinking or existing but it does, so i'm trying to get over myself and keep the damn habit this time.
it helps to feel like i’m writing to someone i think, which i guess i am in an abstract sense but not really anyone in particular obviously. unless you are my psychic mind buddy then hi mind buddy. on that note i am so scared of having my mind read because i think such embarrassing and terrible things and i’m already so mean irl that you don't even want to know my inside thoughts.
how does one end these things? i have no concluding thoughts because this isn’t like a double cer essay with a goal or something but i am literally just saying stuff! so i guess i can end it however i want so ciao! i will maybe post again in the next few hours or days or weeks or in a month, who knows?
-webby